i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
