I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
