at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
