1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
