Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
