i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
