Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
