Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
