Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
