Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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