Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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