Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
