Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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