i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
