Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
