If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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