i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This toilet bowl is my home.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
