i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
