Me. At least after what I've been through.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
