Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
