just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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