When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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