dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
