I'm so fucking centered right now
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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