I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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