Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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