I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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