somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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