Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
