dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
