Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
