I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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