I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My vagina is officially offended.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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