Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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