Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
