Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
