we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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