This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
