I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
