Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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