I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
