I wish I could punch you in the face.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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