i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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