i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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