I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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