If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
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