Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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