they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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