I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
false alarm, still single
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
