Taylor Swift is so right about you.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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