I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
